And Now I Feel Like Hell...

A few minutes ago, The Ex emailed me. 

I'd been bugging him about the stupidly large amount of money he owed me. I gave it to him, YEARS into our relationship (I emphasize that so no one thinks I was being stupid.  There are plenty of reasons to think I'm stupid, yes, but I don't think this is one of them.)  We were saving it for me to move in with him.  So, yeah, I gave him a bunch of money. 

Which, I'm fairly certain, he used to move in with another woman, all the way across the country.

He hasn't told me any of that, I've just deduced it because I'm brilliant.  (He spent years underestimating me.  I'll admit, I let him.  But he should knock that off now.  I know where he is, I know who he's with.  He thinks I know nothing.  Ha fucking ha.)

I haven't told him I know, either. I'm waiting until I get my money back before indulging in any taunting or scare tactics.

In any case, he just emailed me apologizing, saying he doesn't have his laptop anymore (buh?  liar...) so he needed my new address again, and he will send my money out next week. 

I shot off an email that consisted of my new address, and absolutely nothing more.  No hello, no goodbye, nada.

And for some reason... I feel like absolute hell. 

I dunno.  Maybe it's because I just ate rice (and threw it up).  Maybe it's because I realize he is off somewhere, happy finally, because he's not with me.  Maybe it's because I'm thinking of all the shitty lies he told me when he broke up with me.  I think, somewhere in his twisted brain, he did it for two reasons.  One, because he thought it would be easier for himself.  And two, because he thought I was too fragile to handle the truth and would probably collapse and freak out and kill myself if he just told the truth (which probably ties back to reason #1.  It might be a pain in the ass for him if I had killed myself and named him somewhere in my suicide note.  I swear to God, that probably crossed his mind, the complete prick.)

And, whatever.  He's a shitbag. I gave him more than I've ever given another human being - I gave him different things than I've ever given anyone else.  And I just... I lost them.  They stayed with him, and they are gone now.  I am hollowed out, and there is nothing to fill that void.  It's depressing, mostly because I realize HE can't even fill his own void, so I can't sit around obsessing over getting him back and having a happily ever after.  Because he's not who I thought he was.  I know too much now to ever TRULY want him back.

So I'm empty.

I don't want to exist as I am, and I'm scared I won't ever exist another way.

I need to lose weight.  A bunch of weight.  Nothing good will ever happen in my life, I won't have the confidence to seek anything good, and no one will ever stay with me if I'm not thin.  I don't give a shit how emo or stupid or hyperbolic that sounds.  It's the simple fucking truth.  I am fat - not "Oh, I'm skinny, but I FEEL fat!" or anything.  But I'm ACTUALLY fat.  My BMI and my clothing say so.  And it needs to change. I used to be thin.  I used to be too thin. I mean, I've been called scrawny before. (Not that I believed the person at the time... But still.  I don't hear that shit anymore, and for good reason.)

I want to be like that again.  And then?  I want to be even smaller.

I have nothing else to aim for now.

At least, I have nothing else legal to aim for - I have plenty of homicidal fantasies. :)