Binge-y

I ate nothing until I got home tonight, around 5:30pm.  

Then I ate strawberries and brussels sprouts.  Then my stupid, calorie-deprived body asked for more.  I sat for a moment, thought about it, and then approved, telling myself I really did need to eat more.  So I had 416 calories worth of mini-pita breads, sugar-free jam, and "Better N Peanut Butter."

Now, in reality, my total calories for the day would have been 562.  Which, I realize, most people wouldn't consider epic.  (Actually, most people wouldn't even consider it dinner.)

It was terrible, for me.  Terrible. I wanted to be okay with it, but more than that, I wanted it out of my stomach. I spent about two minutes trying to Keep It Down because I NEED to eat at least 800 calories a day, omg.  Then I went and puked everything up - all strawberry red, brussels sprouts green, and pita/PB brown.  And then I cried about that lapse.  Lovely.

I think now I'm going to take a double dose of psyllium husks (I don't have to be at work until tomorrow afternoon!) and hope they will soak up a few of the remaining calories in my belly, and will clear out my digestive tract. 

The scale was kind this morning.  I hope it's kind again tomorrow.

I just... I don't know.  I need to find some balance.  I came very close to fasting today, and had to force the strawberries on myself.  Then I got hungry, and I ate more.  I don't like that.  I just want to feel empty, not hungry.  

I want to fast. I wish I never had to eat, ever again.

But, shit, I really need to eat. I need a plan.  

Feh.  I'll plan later.  Right now, I'm going to down the psyllium husks and watch a movie.