Pigface

Let me preface this by listing my intake today...

So, honestly?  Not bad!  Under 400 calories, and 5.5 grams of fat.  I should be pleased.

I mean, I am pleased.  I feel good about WHAT I ate. 

I feel fucking miserable about HOW I ate it.

Breakfast was fine.  I ate my little soy yogurt slowly, indulgently.  I savored the smooth texture and the bright, fresh, clean taste. I was proud of eating breakfast, which is something I have struggled to do. I didn't race to get more food when I was finished with the yogurt.  I didn't feel gross, or guilty, or giant.  I felt... Pretty good, actually.

Lunch, however, was a complete fucking MESS. I decided I wanted something sweet, so I was going to attempt to make little low-calorie popcorn balls.  I popped a 100-calorie bag of 94% FF kettle corn, and I stirred together a two tablespoons each of Walden Farms marshmallow and caramel dips.  I sprinkled in a quarter of a package of FF/SF pudding mix, and started mixing it into the popcorn.  

And... All of a sudden, I just... I inhaled it.  With the spoon I was using to stir, I gobbled it.  Straight out of the mixing bowl, I shoveled it into my mouth.  I felt ILL about 2/3 of the way through, and then I wanted to throw it out.  But I didn't.  I made myself eat it.  

It was pretty much self-torture.

My stomach roiled for the next few hours, too.  The sickly-sweet chemical awfulness of the Walden Farms SHIT (yes, I called it shit, and I will still use it, tyvm, I suck) felt nasty as all hell.

But I got back on my feet, so to speak.

Dinner was simple, calm, matter-of-fact, good.  I enjoyed my small Garden Lites frozen meal at work, at the dinner table with one of my employees and two of the girls we support.  They ate pizza - a food I LOVED to binge on - and I ate my super-healthy, delicious little meal (which, okay, looks a lot more like a side-dish to the people I work with, a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y.  Hmph.) 

But... I still feel like I was a pig today.  I lost control for a few moments.  I guess not totally - it's not like I ate anything I didn't plan... I ate exactly what I planned. But I didn't eat it like I wanted to.  I ate like a fucking pig.  It was massively disappointing.

I keep picturing a face in my mind.  It's what keeps me going, keeps my hatred surging and my weight shrinking.  

I hate that face.  I will USE it, because of how badly it has used me.