In-N-Out Sandwich

Feh.

So I was all prepared to be FABULOUS today.

I ate 1 cup of watermelon for breakfast.  Then, for some reason, around 2:00pm, I ate half a PB&J.  

Then I had a mental image of someone's face... *grumbles*thatfuckingcunt*grumbles*

And I ran for the bathroom, at work, and puked it all up.

Then I drank some Crystal Light, and thazit for the day.  Woo fucking hoo.  I'm at work for another hour or so, then home, then bed, then scale, then shower, then frantically planning "meals" and calories and foods and pretending I'm going to eat them...  Then back to work.

I'm going to do it this time - I'm going to get the body I want by killing the body I have.

And at some point, before I've gone totally off the deep end, I'm going to hurt people other than myself. Maybe I've already gone off the deep end.  I don't know.  I don't care.  I feel so solidly vapor-like.  It's stunning.

You know, I'm equal parts elated and intrigued.  I've never had THIS good an excuse to emaciate myself before.  I've had all kinds of excuses, but this one takes the cake.  (Food idioms ftw!)

I've gone up and down before - from overweight to underweight and back and forth and back and forth all over again.  The joy of bulimia! But now... BUT NOW...  The urge to binge has left me. I just want to starve myself into a respectable shape, and then into a cheap coffin.  (Actually, I want to be cremated.  Make that a cheap urn.)

--- I'm riding on the burning, crushing pain of h-u-n-g-e-r.  

--- I'm smiling peacefully every time the edges of my vision darken after I stand up too fast.

--- I'm swallowing often, just to feel the choking lump that forms in my throat when I don't eat.

--- I'm pinching myself, I'm envisioning skinny-me, I'm thinking about the old clothes I have stashed away -  sick-body jeans I want to drag up my hips and then shrink my way out of.

The small, quiet, sane part of me is glad I'm still firmly in the overweight category.  It whispers thigns like "Well, maybe it means you'll have time to stop this craziness before you hit a dangerous weight again."

The loud, shaking, crazy part of me is gleefully shouting, "This just means I have a lot longer to hold onto you before anyone thinks you're sick."

When it comes to my life... I've never been this hurt or angry or humiliated.  
But when it comes to starving myself... It's a very different story.

Because then?
Well....

I've never been this driven.

I've never been this hopeful.

I've never been this happy.

I've never been this scared.